by L. MACK
| iBrokeIt by Derek Gates / Flickr Digital influencer craycray died last week in an incident that had earned her 20 million views as of press time and a special commendation from the Darwin Awards. craycray, born Emma Smith, clawed her way to fame through decades of exhibitionism, and clung to the spotlight with an uncanny gift for exploiting public spectacle and emerging technologies. This talent earned her widespread condemnation – the Poet Laureate of the United States famously described her as “a soul-sucking crater of vapidity and selfishness” – and millions of devoted fans. Born in 1982, craycray was an early adopter of all technology, rising to fame in the mid90s with a “UniSoCam,” a 24/7 live videofeed of her sorority bedroom. After her expulsion, she gained international notoriety with her blog, mememememe.com, which TIME called “a biohazardous train wreck, which seems to draw its influences equally from the confessional and the act of projectile vomiting.” |
| As the digital sphere became increasingly competitive, craycray’s public acts became increasingly provocative. Her notorious “Fuck Nature” effort united environmentalists, policymakers, educators and celebrities in reproach, though it was celebrated by her acolytes and doubled the rate of deforestation in South America, Alaska and the Midwest. Although her projects were excoriated in the press, she inspired thousands of copycats and is credited as one of the first major influencers of the Narcissus Generation. Following a widely publicized drug-fueled breakdown and rehabilitation, craycray chronicled her messy recovery and frequent backslides through her digital media empire, which eventually expanded to include Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Snapchat, Instagram, Twizzpop, NiffNiff, Boodlewut, Grunk, Floopitybeenz and Shlorp. Though the official details of her death are still under investigation, the entire spectacle can be viewed on Grunk Live. Our lawyers have insisted that we emphasize that the hang glider operator has been absolved from all suspicion, as the video clearly shows him trying to adjust the harness before she kicks him in the face and stumbles over the cliff edge yelling, “Suck it, nerd!” “It’s a real tragedy,” said Champ Hardfrost, a spokesman for XXXtremeSipz Energy Corp., which is sponsoring the funeral. “But I have to think it’s how she would have wanted to go – half drunk, in front of 2 million spectators, hollering WOOOOO!” Her family, long estranged, issued a statement through a lawyer: “We wish we could express sorrow at our daughter’s death, but the truth is that she has been dead to us for years, and we are mystified by the legions of so-called ‘craycraisons’ who claim to mourn her passage. As a nation, we should be more concerned with the collapse of the environment and western civilization, both of which we believe she has hastened.” A public funeral will be hosted on Friday, and livestreamed on Grunk. In lieu of flowers, mourners are invited to post a hologram of themselves performing the Kerosene Challenge to Shlorp. |
| L. Mack likes hot coffee, big dogs and fancy cheeses, and has been known to write about all three. She lives in Maryland. |
