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Pterrorshark vs. Sharkadactl / That Day in the School Yard

4/16/2017

 
by SAUL LEMEROND
Picture
Tiburon Volador by Jc Olivera / Flickr

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Pterrorshark vs. Sharkadactl

I had stopped, long ago, waiting for a movie to come out that could redefine the genre. It’s not done anymore. Studios are too interested in their precious international dollar to spend any money or take any chances because everybody already knows the formula to set off a blockbuster in Beijing or Bali. Film is a dead, the Yuan and the Rupee have killed it, and though we visit its grave every now and again when we re-watch films like Jaws or The African Queen, there’s always a melancholy attached because something inside tells you this is it. It was fun while it lasted but it’s over. Most times I sit in my theater seat expecting just another movie as I’ve abandoned hope of an actual cinematic experience. But I was wrong, and I’m glad to say I was because Pterrorshark vs Sharkadactl is a tour de force. Man vs nature vs shark vs nuclear power vs the digital age, the film combines this country’s post 911 anxiety with what’s left of our communal Cold War nuclear paranoia.

The Pterrorshark (the ‘P’ is silent) has two heads, and each head two mouths, all of which breath atomic fire. The right head is of a shark, which surprises no one, and the second head is a lion’s head, which surprises some because they don’t expect to see a lion head on something called a Pterrorshark, which also has three pairs of wings. A set of bat wings, dove wings, and what look to be the wings of a flying squirrel.
 It has the body of a shark and is the size of the empire state building. The giant beast exists as the result of radioactive genetic experimentation, is considered by the people who created it a danger to human existence, and is encased in lead under the Yucatan Peninsula by order of the president. 
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Your Daddy's Daddy

4/15/2017

 
by CATHERINE MOORE
Picture
Roll Tide by Paull Young / Flickr


​Eldred Hagan had been in possession of his great-grandmother’s engagement diamond for near two decades when he decided to take action. Well, maybe possession was too strong a word since it was stolen five years prior, but on the afternoon that ring was syphoned out of the muddy waters at Burnt Springs he was standing in front of the consignment section of Larry’s Gun & Pawn where Larry’s wife leaned over the counter in a provocative way. It was about his favorite place to be especially when Larry was off fishing in the Burnt.


“They have lots of these online dating sites now,” she said in a way that made online sound dirty.

“Don’t think my daddy would approve of me seeking the hand of a stranger, ma’am.”


“I reckon since WJ’s been six-feet under for a couple of decades, you should stop minding what he’d think. And who says anything about marriage?” she added a wink.


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Call It What It Is

4/15/2017

 
by CHAD W. LUTZ
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Chair by Thomas Hawk / Flickr

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​“That chair is putrid!” I shouted at my partner. “Get it out of here!”

We’d spent the better part of two hours transporting the cathedra across town and now that we were standing on the sidewalk outside our building I decided I’d had it.
“It’s too heavy. I’m tired. Let’s just leave it here. This was pointless, anyway.”

“Well,” he said coolly, lighting a Parliament Light, “then that is your life.”

“What do you mean, ‘That is your life’? Why do you always say things like that?”

“Because you always say things like that,” he said back, exhaling a rather lengthy drag.

I threw my hands up in the air, disgusted. “The day is ruined. Let’s do this some other time.”


But my partner never moved. He just stood there, smoking his cigarette, enjoying the act more than I’d ever admit I wanted him to in the still pale early morning sunlight.
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1-800-CALL-GOD

4/15/2017

 
by DL SHIREY
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Churchsign-6 by Brooke Witlon / Flickr
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​Duìyú zhōngguó qǐng àn yī. Pulse dos para español. For English, press three.

Thank you for calling 1-800-CALL-GOD. Our menu has changed, so please listen to the entire message before making a selection. At any time you may repeat this message by pressing four on your telephone keypad.

To leave a confession for a minor sin, press one. For a list of mortal sins and current penance for each, press two. To find an authorized place of worship, press the pound key followed by your five-digit zip code. To report any personal religious experience, including prophetic dreams, saintly or angelic visions, and suspected demonic possession, press three. To talk to God, please stay on line. Your call will be answered in the order in which you called. 



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