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Seven Tips to Seduce a Tooth Fairy

6/27/2021

by SARINA DORIE

tooth fairy by wakefielddavid | Flickr

1. The tooth fairy will only come if you put a real tooth under your pillow. No fakes from dentures. Not a dog's either. If you really want to impress her, use ones with gold fillings like I do.

2. Hide a net under your pillow. Don’t try handcuffs. She’s not into that.

3. Set the mood with candles. Sure, you can use a nightlight, but this will make her think you’re twelve. The candles will also help her see how much effort you put into flossing and brushing your teeth.

4. Apply cologne. I have it from a good source she likes Old Spice.

5. Wait until she reaches under the pillow to give you a quarter to open your eyes. That is the moment to lean in for a kiss.

Signs

6/13/2021

by YASH SEYEDBAGHERI

Santa Claus, Indiana by millr | Flickr

A giant foam Santa waves at the market. He holds a sign. Merry Christmas.

The world is full of signs. Small, large, all dominated by Santa. Where’s Moses? Mel Brooks? Even Adam Sandler?

I kick Santa square in the foam nuts.

He just billows, waving, arms stretched outward.

No wave for David Feldman.

Colleagues always speak those words. Merry Christmas. They proclaim the beauty of trees. Wise men. Tell me to try a Lutheran or Catholic service. Proclaim how different Chanukah is.

Seven Tips to Seduce a Tooth Fairy

Signs

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