by SARINA DORIE
tooth fairy by wakefielddavid | Flickr
1. The tooth fairy will only come if you put a real tooth under your pillow. No fakes from dentures. Not a dog's either. If you really want to impress her, use ones with gold fillings like I do.
2. Hide a net under your pillow. Don’t try handcuffs. She’s not into that.
3. Set the mood with candles. Sure, you can use a nightlight, but this will make her think you’re twelve. The candles will also help her see how much effort you put into flossing and brushing your teeth.
4. Apply cologne. I have it from a good source she likes Old Spice.
5. Wait until she reaches under the pillow to give you a quarter to open your eyes. That is the moment to lean in for a kiss.
As If Hell Were A Real Place
Michael Patrick Welch / McSweeney's
New Orleans / Ryan Thomas / Flickr
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