​Pith and Pretense

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21 by Didriks | Flickr


​​by Elizabeth Barton  (1014 Words)
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Leila feigned interest in the nearest sculpture as she moved behind it, glancing quickly over each shoulder to make sure there was no one in back of her—all clear. With the artwork as cover, she wriggled her hips, reached underneath the skirt of her sky-blue charmeuse gown, and tugged on the legs of her shapewear shorts. They had ridden up into a torturously uncomfortable position. That’d teach her to buy knockoff Spanx.

She sighed, relieved of her discomfort. With that off her mind, she regarded the sculpture in front of her. Was sculpture even the right word? Installation? Heck, she should just call it what it was: A pile of avocados.

It’s not that Leila didn’t enjoy contemporary art. She just preferred her art to be more…accessible. But this? Leila circled the pedestal beneath the heap of green-black produce, searching for its label--Seeking Salutations. This kind of stuff she did not get. It seemed pretentious and purposefully abstruse. Worse, it was a waste of perfectly good avocados!

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Tips to Seduce a Tooth Fairy​
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​1. The tooth fairy will only come if you put a real tooth under your pillow. No fakes from dentures. Not a dog's either. If you really want to impress her, use ones with gold fillings like I do.

2. Hide a net under your pillow. Don’t try handcuffs. She’s not into that.

3. Set the mood with candles. Sure, you can use a nightlight, but this will make her think you’re twelve. The candles will also help her see how much effort you put into flossing and brushing your teeth.

4. Apply cologne. I have it from a good source she likes Old Spice.

5. Wait until she reaches under the pillow to give you a quarter to open your eyes. That is the moment to lean in for a kiss.

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​by Sarina Dorie  (182 Words)
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tooth fairy by wakefielddavid | Flickr

Signs
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Santa Claus, Indiana by millr | Flickr

 ​​by Yash Seyedbagheri  (101 Words)​
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A giant foam Santa waves at the market. He holds a sign. Merry Christmas.

The world is full of signs. Small, large, all dominated by Santa. Where’s Moses? Mel Brooks? Even Adam Sandler?

I kick Santa square in the foam nuts.

He just billows, waving, arms stretched outward.

No wave for David Feldman.

Colleagues always speak those words. Merry Christmas. They proclaim the beauty of trees. Wise men. Tell me to try a Lutheran or Catholic service. Proclaim how different Chanukah is.
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​Doggerel [ daw-ger-uhl ] adj. 1. (of verse) comic or burlesque, and usually loose or irregular in measure. 2. rude; crude; poor.
​Recommended Reading 
No Show
Archie Aston / Leopardskin & Limes
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​From the Archives
The End-Times at Landesdownesville High
Benjamin Tedoff / 1-17-16
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Six-Six-Sixer - Joe Bongiorno
Tomato sauce champ of East Montreal
Ex-hero in Tights Reaches OxyContin Heights
Lost trampoline breaks tumbling man's fall.  
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