Ah, finally. This is Dr. Peter Wellington with Doctors Without Borders calling. I seem to be experiencing--
Damn this third world infrastructure! What good is an ebola alert system if the bloody system only works when it bloody well feels like it!
Bloody. Poor choice of words, I must say. I shall try again.
Hello? Is anyone there?
Yes, I can hear you. Can you hear me?
Good, good. My name is Dr. Peter Wellington. I'm calling from the--
For god's sake!
My life hangs in the balance and this blasted phone is taking great pleasure in conspiring against me!
Deep breath. Back on the horse, ol' boy. Try, try again.
Yes, this is Dr. Wellington, again. My situation is grave. I'm calling from a small village in Medina Dula, near the Sierra Leone border. The village appears to have been utterly decimated by a particularly virulent strain of the disease. The entire populace is dead, along with four of my colleagues. I am the only one left alive, and I'm afraid the symptoms are upon me. You must hurry!
What's that? Stay on the line? You'll send help immediately?
God bless you. What a relief. This phone system appears to have been worth it after all. So much money spent and so little to show for it. But this time perhaps we'll beat the devil at his own game.
Just a moment. I think I hear the sound of an aircraft.
By god the system does work!
The aircraft is closer now. And very loud. Not the type of aircraft I was expecting.
Are those parachutes?
The rate of their descent is almost missile-like.
Ah, bloody hell.
Whichever Way The World Ends It's Gonna Be Awesome!
Whichever way the world ends it's gonna be awesome!
There's gonna be fire and earthquakes and things falling from the sky! It's gonna be like one of those National Geographic Specials where the guy walks right up to the edge of the volcano while it's shooting up lava! Only it's gonna happen on every street, in every town!
Yeah, that'd be cool!
Or maybe the polar ice caps will melt and everything will get flooded! There'll be damns bursting and lakes where there used to be shopping malls, and the only way to get around will be by boat! Even in the desert!
Yeah, pretty awesome, huh?
Or maybe some super ebola virus will turn everyone into flesh-eating zombies, and the only safe place will be on an island, or maybe up a tall tree! Imagine that? Living on an island all by yourself? Or living in a totally rocking tree house?
Only that seems like a lot of work.
And you could only work during the day because there'd be no electricity.
And because there's no electricity there'd be no XBox. No YouTube. All the YouTubes would be about all these cool natural disasters anyways, so it would get boring after a while.
And no food.
I hardly know how to make a sandwich, let alone hunt down an animal and cook it.
On the bright side, there'd be lots of fire everywhere, so I wouldn't have to make my own fire.
But the hunting and scavenging part...
Yeah, that sounds cool and everything, but it also sounds like a lot of work.
And I might run into some zombies.
Or fall into a sinkhole.
Or get buried under an avalanche.
It might be awesome to see the world end, but it would probably end up not being so awesome to, you know, live it... day after day... after day.
I know, bummer.
Did I mention it would be a lot of work?
Selfies: Seven Snapshots From A Social Media Psychopath
This is me at the jewelry counter at Wal-Mart. See that guy in the background talking to his friends--the one wearing the New York Yankees hat? He doesn't know it yet but we're gonna hook up.
This is me and Javier having pizza at Papa Gino's. I love his eyes. He keeps staring at my tits.
Here's one of me and Javi driving in my car. He can't wait to get to my place. He doesn't really have a place or a car of his own. What a great smile. Look at those teeth!
Parrrtay! Aren't we the happy stoner couple? Doesn't Javi look great in a wife beater? Look at that tan skin and those muscles! Javi says he never takes that necklace off. A gift from his dad before he went to prison. Aw, ain't that sweet?
Here's the two of us on the luvvv bed. Javi's wearing nothing but that necklace. You can't see it but he let me tie him up. Just goes to show how trusting guys can be when sex is involved... no matter how kinky... no matter how dangerous. Time to show him my knife collection!
Aw, look, somebody's being a grumpy cat. My beautiful sexy Javier. Not so sexy anymore with that rag stuffed in his mouth. He didn't even notice the crinkly sound of the plastic mattress cover (they never do). Oh, well. It was fun while it lasted.
This is me at the food court. See that cute guy in the background--the one working behind the counter at Sbarro? He doesn't know it yet but we're gonna hook up.
Over the years, Kurt Newton's writings have been secreted away in a number of literary grottoes scattered across the virtual landscape. However, recent archeological digs have uncovered several resting spots for Kurt's work--Vine Leaves, Zetetic: A Record of Unusual Inquiry, and Empty Sink Publishing. As evidenced by his contribution here, Kurt continues to write and find homes for his words. His physical whereabouts are unknown. His website is kurtnewton.weebly.com, and his twitter is @KurtDNewton.