Duìyú zhōngguó qǐng àn yī. Pulse dos para español. For English, press three.
Thank you for calling 1-800-CALL-GOD. Our menu has changed, so please listen to the entire message before making a selection. At any time you may repeat this message by pressing four on your telephone keypad.
To leave a confession for a minor sin, press one. For a list of mortal sins and current penance for each, press two. To find an authorized place of worship, press the pound key followed by your five-digit zip code. To report any personal religious experience, including prophetic dreams, saintly or angelic visions, and suspected demonic possession, press three. To talk to God, please stay on line. Your call will be answered in the order in which you called.
Your call is very important to God. There are—three-thousand four-hundred seventeen—callers ahead of you. Please remain on the line. Or to retain your place in line and receive a call back, press the star key plus your ten-digit phone number, area code first. If you are calling from outside the United States, please press five for a list of valid country codes you can use to access this system.
DL Shirey has had several flash fiction pieces published, most recently in 50-Word Stories, Fewer Than 500 and Microfiction Monday Magazine. He writes from Portland, Oregon, where it's now raining, most likely. You can find more of his writing at www.dlshirey.com.