Every year billions of people go to bed starving for attention. Born into a hard life of mediocrity, with no special skills or talents, these people have little chance of ever making an impact on the world. As a last resort, many upload countless pictures or videos in hope of mattering. At best, these people are noticed and soon forgotten. At worst, they’re ignored entirely. Unfortunately there is no cure to being insignificant, but there is a way to provide relief for suffering egos everywhere.
Narceexist makes the average person sound remarkable. Inspired by the plight of the unexceptional, Narceexist turns meaningless events into major turning points in human history. With Narceexist you can upload your favorite pictures or videos, and experience what it’s like to live in a documentary about yourself. Accompanying every upload is a celebrity voiced narration that gives your event the impact it needs to be remembered.
Here’s how it works:
Chad wants to upload a picture of his turkey sandwich to momentarily silence the constant reminder of his insignificance in the universe.
Without Narceexist, Chad has to think of a clever comment to get attention. After an hour he settles on, “It’s gobbling time! : P”. Happy with the double entendre and reference to Fantastic Four’s Thing, Chad sits back and waits for people to shower him with praise. Unfortunately only his mother responds with an article that links turkey consumption to cancer. After Chad ‘Likes’ his mother’s article, he proceeds to spend the rest of the afternoon questioning his life choices and checking on flights to Fiji. By the end of the day Chad seriously considers driving into oncoming traffic, but decides binging on Netflix and eating two dozen tacos is a cheaper path to self-destruction.
In contrast, with Narceexist, Chad's lunch is narrated by James Earl Jones:
The turkey club. Since the dawn of sliced bread, no other sandwich has struck fear in the hearts of hunger like the combination of lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise, bacon, and turkey. Once considered the outlier of lunch, the turkey club is now a staple of the American diet. But its rise to the top of the menu did not come easy. The turkey club owes its gratitude to one man, Chad, who on September 23, 2016, started a movement which changed the perception of club sandwiches everywhere…
After using Narceexist Chad spends the rest of the afternoon humbly accepting flattering remarks from friends, family, and complete strangers. That evening he binges on Netflix and eats two dozen tacos in celebration of himself.
Narceexist uses the latest 3rd person future-past tense technology to make the present sound like the past in which you’re someone important in the future. The moment you upload a picture or video, Narceexist makes it paramount to history.
Experience what it’s like to find the cure to cancer with a picture of your morning latte. Feed families in sub-Saharan Africa with selfies. Share a scientific breakthrough in the middle of “Girl’s Night Out.”
“Girl’s Night Out” narrated by Neil deGrasse Tyson:
Imagine floating alone in a sea of darkness. There are no stars, no planets. You are surrounded by absolute nothingness. And then far off, barely visible, is a tiny spark. After a few seconds or maybe a few millions years, Time being entirely relative, the spark grows larger and larger until light fills the entire black void. And then it’s gone. What remains is the beginning of existence as we know it. Ripples from this explosive creation, this Big Bang, are still being felt today, some 14 billion years later. Nothing in the known universe has ever matched its awesome raw power, that was until Tiffani and her girls took a last minute trip to The Strip.
It was here in front of the adult entertainment venue, ‘Johnsons and Johnsons,’ that Tiffani made a discovery that forever changed how we look at the universe.
Her discovery shook the very foundation of physics as we know it.
“I’m not alone Brian your alone. I’m a star soreing and you don’t deserve to orbit this bi!tch! I miss you sooo much! It’s not the fair same without u. : (”
Join me in a voyage to Las Vegas, Nevada where we follow the steps Tiffani took to reach her historical epiphany.
Thanks to Computational Logos with Interactive Intuition Obviously or CLIIO, named after the Greek goddess of history, Narceexist recognizes the relationship between facial expressions, location, and objects, allowing it to accurately predict the context of your event. With the context established, Narceexist calculates the amount of exaggeration needed to turn meaninglessness into something meaningful.
In support of Narceexist’s cause, the celebrity voiced narrators donated their time and talent for free. Jon Hamm, Susan Sarandon, and Kevin Spacy impersonating Christopher Walken pretending to be Al Pacino to name a few, all believe in helping those that are less accomplished.
Being insignificant is a problem that affects us all. Over 7 billion people have, at one point or another, struggled with the fantasy of being special one day. Now everyone can experience “one day” with a simple download today. Never again go to bed starving for attention. Feel what it’s like to be remembered. Finally matter with Narceexist.
For those dying to be in the spotlight, upgrade to Narceexist Premium. Connect up to 5 groupie drones to form your own ePosse. Narceexist Premium turns your life into a 24/7/365 live feed television show. For the ego on the go, Narceexist Premium.
Dan Roche received his MA in English and MFA in Creative Writing from San Francisco State. He currently teaches composition and creative writing for the University of Colorado Denver in Beijing, China. Although he speaks some Mandarin Chinese, on his best day he sounds like a selfish 3 year old.