Cryptids on Staff - Bigfoot
Bigfoot sent me a friend request out of nowhere. His profile was only visible to friends so I couldn’t be sure he was who he said he was. Eventually curiosity overruled and I accepted the request. Big mistake.
Every time I was online he spammed me with direct messages about how hard it was being him, the inner conflict of feigning unexistence. He dreamt of going viral. He wanted to hire a publicist and hold a press conference, but didn’t know if he was ready for the consequences of coming out. He was afraid he wouldn’t be able to handle the mean tweets. Every day a new first-world existential crisis.
One day he posted on his timeline that he had gotten an offer from Dancing with the Stars, and asked his FB friends what he should do. I told him to go for it, that in twenty years he would regret what he hadn’t done more than what he had. A couple days later he posted that, after much soul searching, he decided to pass on the offer. Everyone knew the producers rescinded the offer when they discovered what a pain the ass he was. Soon after that he started pestering people to fund his Kickstarter for a reality T.V. show, and I stopped responding to his messages altogether. I just couldn’t take anymore, and I had to unfriend him.
If Bigfoot sends you a friend request, do yourself a favor and delete it.